he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
