Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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