He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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