New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
