Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
