You know, be my cock's hype man.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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