we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
