I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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