our cab driver is having phone sex.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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