I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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