I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
