I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize