I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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