Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
