officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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