Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
