u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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