One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
