I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
so let's talk penis.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
