so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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