it's like iHOP with fire
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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