hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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