I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
