We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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