Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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