tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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