I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
