May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
