did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
