I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
