saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
