If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
