i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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