I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
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