found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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