I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I think I am morally bankrupt
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
