You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Can't talk, ducks in the car
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
