I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
