dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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