i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Its about making memories worth repressing
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
