I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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