I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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