Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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