the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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