I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
