Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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