Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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