i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
