You smell like stripper and shame
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
i am craving dick and cupcakes
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
