Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
