I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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