I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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