Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
