Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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