Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
