i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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