Only a mothe r could love this liver
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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