I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
