life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
