Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
