if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
